The Fallen Man
by thestarsarefalling
Summary: Castiel Novak, a man who was always content with being in the background, was enamoured with Dean Winchester the moment he saw him but never found the courage to act on his feelings. Dean, a well-known ladies man, is slowly and secretly dying but is trying to make the rest of his life worthwhile. This story is about love, jealousy, and sacrifice.
1. Chapter 1

_Chapter 1_

For the most part, Castiel tolerated Gabriel's decision of dragging him out to clubs. Besides finding it difficult to be be sociable in situations that permitted shouting over the music in order to communicate, he just never found himself to be the life of the party. Gabriel, on the other hand, thrived in these sorts of situations and wanted his younger brother to take after him in that respect. On this particular night, however, Castiel had never hated his brother more.

"Here you go, bro," Gabriel pushed a fourth drink in Castiel's hand.

Castiel narrowed his eyes before taking a cautionary sip – it was a gin and tonic. Castiel took a larger gulp of it when he realized that it wasn't some insane drink with ten different types of alcohol in it like the previous three.

"Good, you need to loosen up," Gabriel nodded. "You gotta let the stress go, Cas. We'll do some shots later, okay?"

Castiel rolled his eyes and started to turn around, but he accidentally bumped into a girl who then spilled her drink on him.

"Oh my god! I'm sooooooo sorry!" the obviously drunk woman, who was probably ten years younger than Castiel, began dramatically apologizing and started to dab Castiel's shirt with her dirty napkin. "Let me buy you a drink."

"No, that's totally fine," Castiel turned away from her and looked at a laughing Gabriel. "I'm going home. You know this isn't my scene. I'm thirty, Gabe. I'm too old for this shit."

"No!" Gabriel grabbed a hold of Castiel's upper arm. "It's New Year's Eve. You have to stay. And this will make up for your boring ass birthday party you had."

Castiel began to groan, but Gabriel interrupted again, "it's ten minutes to midnight. Stay for ten minutes?"

"Fine," Castiel relented. "I need to clean this off."

Castiel immediately retreated to the bathroom. It was dark in the club, so it was hard to see that the drink that the woman spilled on him was red. Combined with the dirty napkin that had her lipstick on it, it looked to be quite a stain. He sniffed it and realized that she probably spilled a Cosmopolitan on him. Great – he was going to smell like vodka for the rest of the night. He dabbed at it with a wet paper towel, but it didn't help whatsoever. A man burst through one of the stalls behind Castiel and headed for the sinks. He took one look at Castiel and raised a brow, but Castiel was focused on the increasingly annoying stain.

"Cosmos?" the man gruffly asked.

"Probably," Castiel politely responded without looking at him.

"Hey, don't I know you?" the man said, now facing Castiel.

Castiel looked up and tilted his head – he did know the man, and then his stomach dropped.

"Castiel, right?" the man gave him a crooked, but genuine smile.

"Yeah," Castiel furrowed his brow. "Hello Dean."

Castiel immediately felt himself reddening, but thanks to the dim lighting in the bathroom, it helped hide his embarrassment. He didn't expect to see Dean Winchester at the Comet, nor did he expect to see a trail of lipstick marks on his neck.

"It's good to see you man. You gonna go to Charlie's birthday next Saturday?" Dean referred to Charlie, his friend working in IT, and an acquaintance to Castiel.

"I don't know," Castiel responded in a daze, just remembering the e-invite forwarded through the company.

"You should. A lot of us are going to be there. It'll be fun!" a very tipsy Dean clapped Cas on the shoulder. "I'm gonna go back out. See you soon, eh?"

Castiel could only sheepishly nod as Dean gave him another smile. Once Dean was out of the bathroom, Castiel leaned with both hands on the counter for support. He closed his eyes. Three years ago, Castiel found himself sitting in front of Dean Winchester and two other people. They were interviewing him for an office job, but he couldn't keep his eyes off of the man with the greenest eyes he'd ever seen. Castiel must have made some sort of impression on the human resources manager for Dean Winchester remembered his name on the eve of the coming new year. Since then, Cas only saw Dean at the annual office parties, meetings that required HR to be present, and in the elevator. Castiel was unfortunately enamoured with the man even though they've only spoken to each other a few times.

"Hey! Come and get a move on. There's less than three minutes till it's 2014!" Gabriel stuck his head into the men's bathroom and called out to Castiel.

Cas took in a deep breath and followed his brother out onto the dance floor. Gabriel began to dance around Cas, cajoling him into joining, but Cas smirked and shook his head. All of sudden, the music stopped and everyone faced the DJ. A countdown began overhead on the massive screens behind. Castiel looked around the room as everyone began chanting the numbers.

"10 … 9 … 8 …"

"7 … 6 … 5 …!" Gabriel was shouting.

"4 … 3… 2…1…"

"Happy new year!" Everyone simultaneously shouted.

Castiel turned to wish his brother a happy new year, but Gabriel was preoccupied with the brunette he was kissing. An overexcited red head grabbed the back of Castiel's neck and pulled him in for a kiss, and then she moved on to another person. Cas rolled his eyes and cursed the new years tradition. A finger tapped on his shoulder. He turned around and found his lips on another. It was a mere peck that lasted less than two seconds, and Castiel was about to remark something about personal space when the man lingered for a second, until he realized that he recognized the green eyes.

"Uh, happy new year," Dean looked a bit shell shocked when he realized who he kissed and so he made a mad dash out of Castiel's space and back into the crowd.

Castiel stood frozen in that spot until he realized that Gabriel had replaced the spot in front of him. Looking around, Dean was gone and for a moment, Castiel thought that he had hallucinated the whole thing and that the alcohol in his system was playing tricks on his mind, but Gabriel's next comment shocked him back to reality.

"Are you okay? You look like you saw a ghost."

"Uh …," Castiel had no words and he felt a bit wobbly.

"Man, you really are a lightweight," Gabriel remarked. "Maybe it's time to get you home."

Castiel felt him being dragged away and out onto the street. His eyes went immediately to a couple of people entering a cab. Of course, Dean Winchester was entering, followed by two young women clearly swooning over his muscular physique and killer eyes. Perhaps Castiel did imagine the whole thing – it wasn't like it was the first time he daydreamed Dean's lips on his own. Somehow, he found his way home without Gabriel to accompany him. Eventually sleep overtook Castiel, and he fell asleep thinking about how he had admired Dean from afar, yet nothing ever came of it. Maybe this was going to be a good year after all.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2 – A Spent Invitation**

Castiel woke up with the horrible realization that he would be unable to face Dean Winchester again. As he recalled the memory of the previous night, he touched his lips and blushed, then felt crippling embarrassment. He was pretty sure that Dean Winchester was straight. He was also always publicly seen with a woman. Wasn't he also currently dating Lisa from the ninth floor? But what was last night about? Dean doesn't go around kissing dudes. Was it a friendly notion like how guys smack each other's rear to signal a 'good job'?

Castiel pushed his feet off the bed and stretched – the stench of vodka permeating the air. He looked at the damage on his shirt and saw the stain had mainly disappeared. Following his morning routine of jumping in the shower, having a cup of coffee, and then turning on his laptop, he thought about what Dean said last night. There was something about Charlie's birthday.

He scrolled through his inbox to find the email. It was sent a few weeks ago reminding the department that there would be a small celebration with cake during the day on the 3rd floor, and then something of a gathering at the Roadhouse. He liked Charlie, so he made sure to make sure he would get some cake and wish her a happy birthday, but he wasn't sure if he wanted to attend the party afterwards.

"_A lot of us are going to be there," _he remembered Dean saying

Us? Would Dean be going?

Perhaps he should avoid the party. Castiel started to redden when he remembered Dean's reaction to the unexpected kiss – he ran and ended up leaving the club with two women. Clearly, Dean didn't take that well, even if it was just a peck. Castiel groaned. He wished it never happened, as he was content with his adoration from afar and blissfully imagining a relationship with Dean was easier said than done.

Castiel sighed and got dressed, putting on an old t-shirt and sweatpants on. He had no plans for New Years day. Besides Gabriel, the only family he had were his parents and they weren't quite accepting of his sexual orientation. Other than that, he had a few friends he could call and wish a happy new year.

Otherwise, the rest of Castiel's day went by in a blur, though he did occasionally think of the kiss.

* * *

Dean stared at his apartment ceiling for a good ten minutes trying to recount last night's events. The overall feeling of being hungover kept him in bed. He was pretty plastered from all the drinking. It was easier to question what he didn't remember: how did he get home? Why did his bed sheets smell like perfume? What time did he come home? Were all his things accounted for? Was his brother home? But he eventually moved on to what he did remember. He got to the comet at about 10 with Sam but the super trendy nightclub was already pretty packed due to the fact that it was New Years Eve. He remembered downing what seemed like ten drinks, dancing with these two women (and he supposes going home with one of them), challenging Sam to a dance off, ending up in the bathroom puking the drinks he drank, running into blue-eyes…

Castiel. Castiel … Novak? That was his name, right? Blue-eyes was the secret nickname that Dean gave him the moment Castiel interviewed for the accounting position at the company.

Dean shut his eyes and tried to remember what they were talking about. He laughed when he remembered that Castiel was trying to get rid of the stain caused by a cosmo. After that, he couldn't remember what they spoke about. Knowing him, he either said something really generic, or really stupid.

Oh god, he remembers Sammy coming up to him with a tray of shots and a stupid grin on his face. He only managed to down five shots before they began the new years countdown. Following Sam to the bar, he caught a glimpse of Castiel among the crowd. That ended up being the last thing he could recall before completely blacking out and later waking up in the morning.

Dean heard a groan coming from his living room. Pushing himself up and using various pieces of furniture to steady himself, Dean found Sam lying face down on the ground just two feet away from the couch. Dean scoffed and lightly kicked Sam.

"Go away," Sam moaned.

"Get up, bitch," Dean rubbed his forehead.

"Jerk," Sam spoke into the carpet, but managed to roll himself onto his back so that he could laugh.

Dean chuckled. He hadn't had this much to drink, or this much fun in months. He hadn't seen Sam this genuinely happy for so long. At least, not since the doctors told Dean that he was dying. He remembered that day. It was not even ten months ago. They said he had less than 10% chance of surviving it and that he'd have maybe nine months. The doctors could only keep him comfortable with the medicine they prescribed, but there would come a time where he would eventually end up in the hospital with massive organ failure. He only told Sam. He considered telling his parents, but to see them fall apart at the thought that their son would die before them made him sick. Sure, it was exactly a good decision, but it wouldn't matter after he was dead. So Dean took a two-month holiday from everything and took a whirlwind trip around the world, but found that he just couldn't stay away from his family and friends, so he resumed working to keep up appearances, and to give him something of value to do.

For Dean, it was definitely worth celebrating the fact that he made it past nine months and into 2014. But there would always be that small black shadow of danger lurking in his mind, and knowing that he could drop dead at any moment scared the shit out of him.

"What do you want for breakfast, man?" Dean kicked him again.

This was enough to elicit a response from Sam as he jumped up and dashed towards the washroom. The sound of the giant man hurling into the toilet made Dean wince. He shook his head and began rifling through his kitchen for food. After flushing, Sam made his way to the kitchen, looking slightly better than before.

"So, Dean," Sam got his brother's attention. "Are we going to talk about last night?"

"What do you mean?" Dean cracked an egg over his skillet. "Last night was pretty awesome."

"Yeah, sure," Sam clasped his hands together. "But I mean, right after the countdown…"

Dean turned around, "right, what happened after that? I think I blacked out. Did I come home with a chick?"

Sam raised a brow, "oh. Um, alright. Yea, two of them."

Dean was now suspicious, "Sam, spit it out."

"No, it's fine. You blacked out, so it doesn't matter!" Sam tried to let the conversation die off.

"I swear to god, Sammy, if you don't tell me," Dean threatened. "I will make your morning miserable."

"Remember Castiel?" Sam relented. "You said you interviewed him. And we usually see him at the office? You always mention that he enjoys staring at you with his ridiculously oceanic eyes when he thinks you're not looking? I've caught you staring back."

"I did not say that they were oceanic. They're just ridiculously blue," Dean blurted. "But yeah."

"Well, you sorta," Sam shrugged. "Kissed him. Last night. At midnight."

Dean's face dropped, "what."


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3 – Let's Drink**

"You have got to be kidding me," Dean's headache was coming back once he learned of his kiss. "You promised me you would stop me from doing anything stupid."

Sam raised his hands up defensively, "it looked like you were just going to say hi, maybe wish him a happy new year. How was I supposed to know you were going to plant a big one on him?"

Dean scrunched his face in embarrassment, "oh, god."

"Was it any good?" Sam laughed.

"Shut up, Sam," Dean rubbed his eyes.

"Come on, you can't deny you've been wanting to," Sam stuck a forkful of eggs into his mouth.

"I tell you I think he's attractive, and you go and interpret this as me having a hard on for the guy?" An irritated Dean drank his coffee.

Sam eyed him curiously, "well with the amount of staring, I'm surprised you don't. It's not like it's the first guy you've ever liked, and yet you're acting like a little girl who just learned of her first crush. I wonder what Lisa would have thought."

Dean huffed and they both ate their breakfasts in silence. Sure, Dean found Castiel quite attractive. That gravelly voice, the unruly hair that just screams sex, and those fucking eyes. But nothing could ever come of it, and his impending death was the reason why he was single. His last relationship was with a Lisa Braeden. Lisa was … fantastic, but that was it. He was sure that they were in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. Were they in love? Dean surmised that they weren't. Dean couldn't exactly imagine spending the rest of his life with her anyways, not that it was the problem – he didn't exactly know how long of a life he had left. Lisa didn't know of his death sentence, and he didn't tell her that that was the reason they needed to break up. There was also another problem: Lisa didn't seem to think that breaking up was a good idea, and would try very hard to get back together with Dean.

"You know what?" Sam perked up. "You should have seen his face."

"Sam, stop talking," Dean was seriously considering punching his brother. "I'm trying to enjoy my breakfast."

"He was frozen. Completely shocked," Sam pointed out. "Maybe he doesn't like you after all. Maybe all the staring is just one of his quirks."

"Seriously?" Dean looked at his brother with a disappointed face. "Drop it."

_Two days later …_

Like the day before, Castiel was hoping that he wouldn't run into any of the Winchesters, but his main focus was avoiding Dean. It was hard when they all started work at the same time, so there was the possibility of ending up in the same elevator, but Castiel planned ahead and came to work half an hour early. He did this for the Thursday back, but knowing that Charlie's birthday was today made him nervous.

Castiel made his way to his cubicle. He immediately got to work once he sat down, only looking up for when someone needed help. This proved to be a really good distraction until about midafternoon. The alarm on his computer beeped, telling him that he was supposed to be on the third floor having birthday cake.

"Hey Castiel, you planning on heading down?" Anna popped her head into Castiel's cubicle.

"Yes, I am," Castiel swung around and got up. "Will you join?"

"Yep!" Anna smiled.

They walked down two flights of stairs to get to the third floor. There were already a number of people there, and Charlie looked slightly embarrassed at all the attention she was getting. Castiel immediately went to her and wished her a happy birthday.

"I hope that you all come out tonight. It'll be great. Pool, karaoke, alcohol," Charlie rambled nervously as the crowd grew bigger.

The attendees avoided singing happy birthday and they immediately went into cake. Charlie and Castiel began conversing about the party in the evening when someone caught Charlie's eyes. Castiel noticed that her eyes wandered and followed her gaze. Dean and Sam were heading for cake. Castiel nervously finished the rest of the cake and backed away from the group, trying not to attract any attention. His eyes went to Dean, who was preoccupied with talking to Charlie, but Dean's eyes had glanced over to Castiel and they had momentarily locked gazes before Castiel looked away in embarrassment. He turned away from anyway and headed back to his cubicle.

* * *

Castiel had nervously paced around his bedroom and living room before Charlie's party at the Roadhouse. He realized he was being foolish trying to avoid Dean – it wasn't like he could do it forever. He needed to find out what that kiss was about. Even if it was a joke, he needed Dean to say it so that he could quell some of the emotions he'd been having. He was sure that Dean didn't know of his real feelings towards him.

As the clock neared ten, he realized he needed some support, so he called up Gabriel. Gabriel was ecstatic when he heard his brother needed a wingman, so to speak.

The Roadhouse was situated a little outside the urban landscape of the city, but Castiel didn't mind. However, this was unlike Gabriel's regular territory of trendy nightclubs, so he felt a bit out of place. They got there a little after 10:30, and the place seemed pretty packed with coworkers and other patrons mingling about. Castiel found Charlie playing pool.

"Hey Castiel!" Charlie waved him over. "It's good to see you!"

"I hope you're having a good time?" Castiel made small talk.

"Totes. You gotta check out Dean, though. I think he's having an even better time," Charlie pointed to Dean.

Dean was at the back of the bar on a stage passionately singing to 'Eye of the Tiger.' He didn't even need the karaoke screens. Castiel started to smile. This was the man that Castiel was pretty sure he was in love with.

"Yeah, you're probably right. He looks to be quite inebriated," Castiel turned back to Charlie.

"Nah, he hasn't been drinking. He really loves that song," Charlie nudged him. "Let's get you a drink, hey?"

Castiel walked with Charlie to the bar, where he ordered a round of birthday shots for her, but she insisted that he down some as well. A crowd seemed to grow around them as they watched Castiel and Charlie simultaneously drink shot after shot. Dean even made his way to the bar to watch and was quite impressed at how well Castiel was holding in his liquor. With a really nice buzz going Castiel could feel his confidence growing, and talking to Dean later seemed less of an ordeal. He then saw Lisa snake an arm around Dean's waist. When did she arrive?

"Hey!" a tipsy Charlie was shouting in Castiel's ear. "Make a toast to me."

"Why?" Castiel laughed, grateful for the distraction.

"Because you make great speeches!" Charlie laughed. "And your voice is damn sexy."

Castiel looked at her and laughed. "If the birthday girl commands it!"

"Yes, I command it!" Charlie leaned on Castiel for support. "Toast! Toast! Toast!"

The crowd began chanting with Charlie, so Castiel slowly made his way to the microphone. Most people looked on with curiosity, wondering why this quiet man was making a toast. He didn't know what was appropriate, so he borrowed words from one of his favourite operas.

"Life means celebration, so let's enjoy the drinks and the beautiful night, the laughter, and the singing," Castiel looked over to Dean. "Let's drink and let's enjoy ourselves. To Charlie, may she enjoy the night and have a happy birthday!"

"To Charlie!" everyone raised their glasses and began clinking it.

Castiel got off the stage and the rest of the bar resumed their activities. After chatting with Anna for a bit, Castiel went over to Gabriel who was sitting at the bar watching the karaoke.

"That dude loves his karaoke," Gabriel raised his glass to motion to Dean.

Dean was belting out "All Out of Love." Castiel couldn't help but to stare in amusement, but after this song, he needed to get an explanation out of Dean. All of a sudden, Dean sort of froze on stage in the middle of one of the last few notes. Nobody else seemed to notice as they were all pretty drunk, but Castiel did. Trying to focus his vision, to Castiel it almost looked like Dean was in pain. Dean handed his mic over to the next person, who didn't notice anything out of the ordinary. Dean gingerly got off the stage and gripped his midsection, walking off into the men's washroom. Castiel followed.

"Excuse me," Castiel opened the door, forgoing any notion of asking about the kiss. "Are you alright? You looked like you were in pain on the stage."

Dean was leaning on the counter for support, a cold sweat breaking out over his pale face, and his one arm was still wrapped around his stomach, "Yeah, I'm fine. It's probably just the booze."

Castiel narrowed his eyes, remembering that Charlie said he hadn't been drinking, "would you like me to get you a glass of water?"

"No, I'm fine. Thanks, man," Dean began to straighten up as the pain went away. "See, all better?"

"Alright," Castiel took a deep breath before talking. "Would you mind if we talked? About New Years?"

Dean's eyes went wide and a blush started to creep up on him, "uh, sure."

"What was that kiss about? You barely know me," Castiel immediately started talking, the alcohol in his system giving him confidence.

"It doesn't take a genius to know that you are attracted to me," Dean huffed, leaning against the counter. "With all that goddamn staring, I'm surprised you haven't had an aneurism."

It was Castiel's turn to blush, but this time his confidence drained a bit, and he resorted to looking at the floor, "Yes, it is true. Though it's a bit more than just liking you. I think I… love, um, you."

Dean blinked, unable to process Castiel's profession, and ended up resorting to saying something that didn't exactly help the situation, "Look, I didn't mean to kiss you. I blacked out and things just happened."

"Oh."

"Yeah," Dean looked at the floor wondering why the fuck there was damn butterflies in his stomach.

"I see," Castiel took in a breath. "Well, then, Dean. I suppose I will see you around the office."

"What? You're leaving?" Dean felt guilty knowing that he may as well have slapped the guy after his confession.

"I don't suppose I should stay for very much longer," Castiel replied, looking back at the washroom door.

"Can I at least buy you one last drink?" Dean stopped for a moment, wondering where that came from.

Castiel's lips turned up ever so slightly, and he was sure if he weren't drunk, he wouldn't have accepted the invitation, "sure. However, I would prefer not to have any cosmopolitans."

Dean laughed, "deal."


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4 – Happy and Ethereal**

Dean led the way to the bar with Castiel following close behind. The number of patrons and birthday guests were dwindling down, which worked for the both of them. They each took a bar seat.

"Hey Ellen," Dean smiled at the bartender.

"Hey Dean, what can I get for you?"

"What's your poison?" Dean turned to look at Castiel.

"Manhattan," Castiel tried to speak clearly.

"I like your style. Can I get two Manhattans?" Dean addressed Ellen.

"Coming right up," Ellen smiled.

They sat in an awkward silence and Castiel realized how tipsy he was. Dean, on the other hand, was stone cold sober, and this drink that he would have with Castiel would be his first of the night. Castiel looked around the bar. Charlie was still playing pool with coworkers that he identified as Ash, Jo, and Sam. Gabriel was chatting with some man that Castiel didn't know. No one was singing anymore. Finally, the drinks arrived. Dean drank it all in one gulp, but Castiel sipped on it, taking the time to really taste the woody nature of the whisky. A few moments passed by, and the alcohol began to affect Dean.

"Why do you like me?" Dean's question came from out of the blue. Dean would usually be avoiding a conversation like this like the plague, but he really couldn't understand why Castiel was in love with him, especially since he believed nothing prompted the attraction.

"This one last drink seems to come with much more than I expected," Castiel mentioned, awkwardly shifting in his seat.

"I just want to understand your feelings for me."

"How … logical."

Dean felt more embarrassment, "I just … I'm not the kind of guy that people fall in love with, okay? I'm a one-night stand kinda guy. I don't do good in relationships, and you're clearly looking for one with me."

"And how could you possibly know that?" Castiel looked at him in shock.

"Cas, you're not that subtle at all," Dean smiled at him. "We don't talk much at work, but when we do, it's actually pretty obvious."

Castiel's eyes flickered at the nickname and he felt a blush creep up. Knowing that everything was on the table and that Dean wasn't running away from a barrage of negative emotions made Castiel very, very relieved.

"If I wasn't this inebriated, I don't think we'd be having this discussion," Castiel looked at Dean, trying to avoid advancing the conversation.

"If I was that drunk, my vocabulary would be in the shithole by now," Dean laughed.

There was a small moment of silence between them.

"If I'm being honest with you, I don't think I know how to love. I don't think I could ever feel that," it was like Dean was breaking up with Castiel.

Castiel stared at him for a while, his eyebrows scrunched in confusion, "Dean?"

"Yes, Cas?"

"Why do you keep putting yourself down?" Castiel tilted his head at the man. "Why do you see yourself so unable to fall in love? Do you feel as if you don't deserve it? You are dating Lisa, so something must be going well for you."

"We … we're not together," Dean corrected him quickly. "We broke up a few weeks ago."

"Oh, I didn't know."

"She keeps hounding me to get back together, though," Dean revealed more than he wanted to, but he couldn't help it around Cas – it was like he wanted to tell his life story to him. "But we can't."

Silence filled the air again. Dean definitely didn't want to reveal the nature of his health to this guy.

"After everything I just said, and if I told you that I could only offer you friendship, if I said that you should find someone else, someone who could love you back, would that change your feelings for me?" Dean asked seriously.

Castiel thought for a moment, "no."

Dean looked down at his drink, smiled, and then chuckled.

"What?" Castiel couldn't read his expression.

"You're a stubborn son of a bitch," Dean laughed. "What are you doing tomorrow? Or I guess today, in the afternoon?"

Castiel looked at his watch – it was apparently past midnight, "I do not have any plans."

"Cool, let's get coffee tomorrow. There's a place on the corner of MacGyver and 11th …," Dean stopped when he noticed the expression on Castiel's face.

"Why are you doing this? You said you didn't want a relationship," Castiel frowned. "I'd rather not have your pity."

Dean defensively shook his head, "I said I wasn't good at relationships, not that I didn't want one. The least I can do is be your friend, Cas. So coffee? 3 pm?"

Castiel tilted his head, like he always did when situations confounded him, "alright."

"Dean!" a cry from across the room caught both men's attentions – it was Lisa.

"Damn it," Dean spoke in a hushed tone.

Lisa began to make her way to Dean. Dean didn't know what she wanted to talk to him about – he did make it pretty clear the last time that their relationship would not resume.

"I better go," Castiel said quietly. "I'll see you later this afternoon, I suppose."

Dean nodded. Castiel immediately retreated to his brother, leaving the seat open for Lisa to take. Gabriel looked past the shoulder of the man he was talking to. He said a few words to him and then walked to Castiel.

"Ready to go, bro?" Gabriel asked.

"Yeah," Castiel gave him a tired smile.

"Who's that?" Gabriel motioned with his head. "Is that the 'All Out of Love' guy?"

Castiel turned to look at Dean, and they locked eyes. Castiel smiled at him, and Dean returned the smile.

"Yeah, it is," Castiel looked back at Gabriel. "Come on, before you get any ideas."

Castiel sat in his car as Gabriel drove them both back to Castiel's apartment. Castiel was starting to sober up and began to digest what Dean had said to him. So what if Dean wasn't good at relationships? Unless Dean outright stated that he hated him, there was nothing to be done about Castiel's feelings for the guy. He couldn't help it; it was human nature to love. To be loved in return, however, was something that Castiel didn't know would ever happen, and some nights, Castiel felt like it was eating him up, but on others, maybe he thought it was for the best. He'd rather be Dean's friend than nothing at all.

Dean sat at the bar with Lisa. She was talking about something to do with work, but Dean wasn't listening. He was thinking about Blue-eyes. He had a strict no chick flick moments rule, but he couldn't help the damn butterflies in his stomach or the warm feeling in his chest. Nobody outside his family had publicly declared their love for Dean. It was an odd sensation, but he liked knowing that he was loved. It was an issue, though, when he realized that he couldn't – shouldn't – return the feelings. He couldn't put Castiel in the position of watching Dean slowly die. Was being friends even a good idea?

* * *

Dean woke up with the same pain he felt at the bar, but this time, it had escalated about ten-fold. He immediately reached for the phone and called his doctor. The doctor asked for him to come in as soon as he could. It took about a half hour for the pain to drop down to bearable levels. First, there was a physical check up.

"So Dean, you mentioned that the pain is getting worse?" the doctor stood over him, feeling his abdomen. "You can sit up now, and you can put your shirt back on."

"Yeah, it's flaring up. I need you to amp up the dosage, or at least prescribe something stronger," Dean said, now in less pain than before.

The doctor nodded, writing down a new prescription, "You've managed to make it past nine months, but this doesn't mean you're home free. You are lucky that it is progressing slower than it usually does, but it also means that it may be more painful than we anticipate."

The doctor tore the prescription and handed it to Dean, "you may make it to a year, you may make it to two, but you may not so I hope you know that by now that you're one of few beating the statistics."

Dean hated when doctors and specialists told him that he was lucky that he made it this far, - luck had nothing to do with anything. If he were lucky, he'd have won a million dollars. Dean thanked the doctor and left the building, immediately going to his pharmacy. They told him that he could pick up his medicine in about half hour. In that time, Dean wandered the aisles at the drug store, thinking about picking some stuff up, but realizing that he didn't really need anything. He resorted to looking through magazines. About ten minutes into a car magazine, he glanced up to see a rather beautiful woman checking him out. Under normal circumstances, he would be talking to her, trying to get her number, maybe taking her out for a drink later, but this didn't happen and he just returned to reading the magazine.

Realizing what just happened, he shut the magazine. When did Dean Winchester ever turn down trying to hit on a beautiful woman even if it would never amount to anything substantial? He grabbed the nearest magazine to drown out his thoughts, and his hand immediately went to a men's magazine. On the cover was a man with very blue eyes. He stared at the cover, and Dean's thoughts immediately turned to Castiel and his godforsaken eyes.

How strange it was for Castiel to come upon Dean's life, the words of his love carved into Dean's heart. No man or woman before had such an effect on Dean, nor had he ever been so magnetized to anyone like Castiel. He recounted his last three years and realized he was too stubborn and too scared to make anything happen between him and Cas – there was always something, but he buried every single feeling he had for a long time. Dean looked at the time on his cell phone and realized his meds were ready to be picked up. As his feet automatically brought him to where he needed to go, he thought about love, and Cas, and relationships, and his life.

Would being in a relationship with Castiel be such a bad thing? Castiel, the man so watchful yet intriguing, who haunted Dean with just one look, could make Dean love and for the first time be loved in return. It was absolutely crazy, and yet the lonely, sick man was desperate for something to live for.

Dean found himself in his Impala, the small bag of medicine clutched in his hands. Knowing that it was nearing 3 made him nervous. Dean wanted – deserved – a little selfish. Whatever profound love Castiel was feeling, Dean wanted to feel at least some of it too. The torment of his pain could wait, he wanted to purge into the vortex of pleasure, into the abyss of Castiel's eyes and drown there.


End file.
